At the outset, I wish to thank two people who fed me the idea of joining the 10 day Vipassana course. My friend Susan Abraham, back in 2020, while discussing Arthur Schopenhauer, told how Buddha has given a way out of the pessimism and nihilism that Schopenhauer has inflicted on us through his philosophy. She had reiterated to me that Buddha is a way out and that Vipassana is the practical tool to wrench the miseries out of our lives. Fast forward to 2022, my mentor, Dr Gautham, gave me a glimpse of mindfulness and presented me with his detailed experience and the after effects of Vipassana. That just got me to apply for the course and I took it. My heartfelt gratitude before I share my 10 day rendezvous with the technique.
Day 0
I got to my centre and was welcomed with lunch, followed by a brief interview. The importance of Noble Silence was explained and why I had to restrict my gaze to 10 ft and avoid any signs in communicating with fellow meditators. At 4 pm there was an Ashram tour organised and we were instructed to remain within the course boundary and the rules and regulations were further explained through an instructional Pre Course Talk. The noble silence began at 7:30 pm.
Day 1
Sitting down to meditate was the toughest part. The day began with Ana Pana meditation , the technique of sitting with back straight and observing the inflow and the out flow of the breath as it is. The natural breath is observed. My mind wavered , I was unintentionally observing my thoughts, while coming back to observing the breath. It felt so difficult for me to see my mind drifting off. I initially felt guilty and was soon instructed to just observe. My mind on an average sailed off the breath every minute , then 2 minutes and finally I was able to observe the breath for decent length of time. Sitting on the cushion crosslegged , I felt on the very day one that , this is not for me , let me do it on the chair. But we were advised to sit on the cushion. I was also told that , this won’t last, the discomfort will reduce as the course proceeds. I did not believe. Day 1 , I just realised what a monkey mind I had and I was non judgementally aware of this very nature of mind, which is just to wander. Each day ended with a discourse which clears most common doubts and gives insights into the application of the meditation practice. The mind indeed is a monkey, grabbing a tree branch, jumping onto another tree and then continuing to a different forest in a different continent.
Day 2
The second day was pretty smooth barring few difficulties . The body pains and backache continued , I was instructed by the teacher to continue meditating on the cushion and I would soon see the changes.
The major difficulty I faced- I was bloated and flatulence was really troublesome. At one point I wasn’t sure if I was concentrating on my breath or the gas in my bowels. I realised that was because of over eating. It is understandable that to compensate for the lack of night dinner , we tend to hog in more food. This will no doubt affect your practice and Goenkaji in the very first discourse, talks about the importance of leaving a portion empty in your stomach.However, the major , soul shattering issue I faced on the second day was sounds, the sound of a watch clacking behind me. Like I said; the taming of monkey mind is in itself an Herculean task , added to that , there was this person , fellow meditator, who kept clacking his steel watch. (I know it was unintentional). It bothered me so much , I just remembered those incidents when I used to get annoyed at people making sounds in the library when I was studying. Afternoon that session , in the requirement box I anonymously wrote ‘ please don’t allow watches inside Dhamma hall’. I felt so impulsive, wrote this and put it in the box.
I realized, I have to at least meditate the rest of the day properly . Everyday from 11:45 till 1 pm we are given a chance to clear our doubts with the teacher . Right after lunch I went to the teacher and explained him how I was feeling about that sound and also told him about such incidents which had bothered me in the past. I told my teacher how the sound of a simple watch was causing immense suffering. He gave me the solution not for this one incident but for all the things to come and the things that troubled me in the past. The solution was in the very technique. Thanks to my teacher Dr Uday Singh. Till then , my mind was caged in the frame of a simple steel watch.
Day 3
The initial three days were the base for the actual technique. The major issue I had in these three days was sitting and more importantly I had a gush of my past memories both good, bad, significant and insignificant ones gushing like bubbles from the bottom of a soda can. I again chose to get this cleared from my teacher , Dr Uday Singh Garu with his amazing personality and body language , told me how my past was insignificant. Thanks to him again. That being tackled. I can comfortably say my day three was pretty smooth from then neither the watch , nor my memories bothered me. These there days , I realized , how my mind calmed down , there was turbulence in me and around me, no doubt. However, it was more calm and manageable . Every session my goal was to see how long I could follow the instructions, be it focusing on breath or sensations. I in fact with all that pain kinda gamified it, thinking let me see how long I can sustain my concentration with equanimity. It was interesting and I did feel good doing this.
Day 4
The real hurdle I had on this day was pain. Afternoon we were taught the actual practice of Vipassana.I had excruciating pain in the lower half of my body , I just could not follow the instructions. I decided , I am going to ask for a chair to meditate. I thought to myself , will my Nirvana be delayed if I am on chair , will it take 10 extra days or 10 extra lives , that’s OK , but I am not doing this. I tried to talk to the teacher for a chair , but it was not possible. 6-7pm is one session in the evening , I brust into tears when I was told to focus of my knees and thighs . Tears kept flowing , I had the thought ‘this is not for me’ , let me pack up and go back to the comforts of my room back home. That night I spoke to the teacher , who observed everything and everyone , he told me , all your trouble will soon vanish once you learn the mind matter concept . I was bit recluctant and skeptical , he did allot me a chair and gave me back rest , but instructed me not to misuse it . That day I was just happy I got a chair , now I can meditate well. The day I felt like running away, somehow I stayed back.
Day 5
I woke up with the feeling that I had a chair now, I can practice with no pain. The morning session, I tried meditating sitting on the chair. I really was dozing and found it ineffective. I soon shifted back to the cushion on the floor. The Vipassana as a technique was taught and we practiced it. The fifth day was the day I stepped into my meditation cell in the Pagoda , the moment I sat down , I had tinnitus , this was surprisingly pleasant and the sounds I heard were like binaural beats . It was surreal , I could meditate well on 5th day. The pagoda experience was really peaceful and also powerful .
Day 6
The day tears rolled down and I felt it’s time I pack up. I had a volcano of my all insecurities coming out like hot magma from my eyes as tears , which just did not stop . The trigger : it was really hot summer and on opening the blinds in the afternoon in my room, I just felt I could not even rest for 5 minutes, with that came all the troubles, past, present , future. With my teary eye , I just went to my teacher , for some two minutes I could not talk anything , I just sat there , and Dr Uday Singh Garu was just telling me how I had to observe the sensations of crying and did not ask me a single question. With the utmost composure he explained me how this was normal and what I had to do and how I could use the technique for all my troubles. Trust me , it was liberating . I am really indebted to him and really grateful to have found a teacher like him. The Day 6 made me strong and made me stay back to see what the technique had to offer me.
Day 7
This day was heaven. I surprisingly felt no pain. It was a miracle. I could sit and complete the Adittana (song determination). In the one hour group sittings, I could effortlessly sit for more than 30 min with mind concentrated and no movement. The coming days were all about the continuity of the practice. Goenkaji’s lectures at the end of the day were like the cherry on the top, they opened new horizons and helped us see how the meditation as a practice can better our daily lives.
Day 8
The day I again felt like I should run away. I had sweat rash all over my lower limbs, I wanted a way out. I was given a new room where I could stay alone. In the process of shifting my room, I saw a giant monitor lizard cruising and jumping the walls in front of my room. I saw it and surprisingly I did neither have palpitations, nor did my adrenaline kick in to turn my panic switch on. I just walked back and spoke to a volunteer, he comforted me saying its harmless and escorted me to my new room. That evening, I saw how severe my rash was, I felt, I have come this far and my pains have dissolved, I think I can leave now. I spoke to my teacher, he gave me some Calamine lotion. I asked me what more is left for me to learn here. He spoke about Metta practice which was scheduled on the 10th day. It was interesting, I decided, I’ll stay back. Also I noted that despite the redness and the severity of the lesions on my leg, it did not bother me much. Though my mind said, ‘the lesion is severe, go home’. The Dhamma made me stay, I can say.
Day 9
This day , I felt a little fatigued and was also happy that I am nearing the end of the course. I could finally stop missing my home was one thought. Soon, there were moments when I reaslised how I was craving , I did try to apply Equanimity here. It partly helped me and made me understand, how I could apply the principles taught here to my daily aversions and cravings . The final session for 6-7 pm that evening was satisfying as I could maintain my posture barring few movements.
Day 10
10 AM the noble silence ended. The Metta meditation where we offer our good thoughts and compassion to all being is pretty amazing I must say. It was after the meditation that, I felt that I should pardon everyone who wrong me and seek forgiveness. Trust me, the guilt dissolves. Day 2 when I scolded the watch guy behind me, on the final day, I laughed at myself for the amount of hatred I generated and it vanished. I can say I was equanimous. After the noble silence ended, we all could talk to each other, I must say , I met some amazing people and made good friends. Everyone had a story to tell , what they realised and how they were feeling. Mostly , I saw everyone saying how their burdens reduced . The problem was always with in, the suffering is always an option. This was the common understanding to whomever I spoke. I met two old students, who were in their 3rd ten day course. I asked them how they were motivated to come back and lock themselves in again. Prakash Raju, said that when we look back these 10 days remain the best days. I concur with him, I now feel after a week, that I should go back again. Dr Surender Reddy, the other old student, told me how his life gets a boost every time he finishes a course. The most important advice that I got from old students is that it was important to practice meditating everyday. It is with daily practice that the 10 days effect on us will remain and continue bettering our lives.
Day 11
The final lecture by Goenkaji and the importance of service was explained. We all departed with happy smiles.
Rathustra Writes 